No, wait, I mean TGIF
No, no. TMI Friday: Fat Feet
My feet are fat. They’ve been this way since birth. If you want to get really detailed, my toes are crooked. Crooked toes on fat feet. I know, I know. You can’t get over my beauty.
Having fat feet as a girl is pain in the toes. It starts early, with the whole size issue. I know you are familiar with pant size and bra size, the two big measurement woes of womanhood. Well, when you are a little girl, it’s all about the shoe size.
Smaller feet equal cuter shoes. Larger feet equal shoes with orthopedic inserts.
Fat feet also meant no chance at becoming a ballerina, princess, model, superhero, or pole dancer. (To be fair, clumsiness probably cut me out of those jobs, too.)
As a kid, I hated getting new shoes. Fitting my half way between the sizes meant going up a size. And tripping for a couple of weeks until I got used to the flap above my toes. Laugh all you want. Try line dancing with swim fins and get back to me.
It’s much easier now for me to find shoes that fit, thanks to the handy “WIDE” measurement that was all the rage when I was a preteen. But there are some shoes that are still hard to wear.
Dress shoes. (Have scientists discovered the elusive pointy toed women they make all those shoes for?)
Boots. (I swear you have to have hooves to fit a lot of them.)
Pretty sandals and fat feet are an interesting combination. I’ve noticed that there’s a standard for beauty among woman and it’s called the summer foot.
The Summer Foot must be soft, taken care of with a professional pedicure.
The Summer Foot must have perfectly painted nails.
The Summer Foot must wear a cute sandal.
The Summer Foot may have jewelry, but only the basics and only a little.
The Summer Foot must be connected to Summer Legs.
No, seriously. I’ve heard woman complain about other women not having a proper summer foot. “Eww…women like her are so gross! Keep your claws hidden if you can’t take care of them!” (I’m picturing a song and dance number right here. Yes, I’m the woman with the hideous claws they all dance around.)
My summer foot? Fat. Chipped paint, if any. Roughed up from walking outside. Now and then I slip up and forget to shave one toe hair. And then there’s the aesthetic problem with one or more of my toes slips off the shoe or how they look when they are all shoved together.
Motherhood brought new complications to the fat foot problem. I remember the day I read that pregnancy expands a woman’s foot. I looked down at my feet in horror. “Don’t you dare!” I cried out in horror. Nobody listens to me. My feet are wider after having children.
And then there are the pregnancy problems that can become hidden when you have fat feet. I had really bad edema with my first child. I won’t go into the details. You don’t need my feet in your nightmares tonight.
Fortunately, I am a writer. Nothing is sacred. Nothing is useless. Fat feet means I just have one more thing to write about.
The Princess with Fat Feet.
The Fashion Guide to Shoes for Fat Feet
Fat Feet: A Creation Story
Okay, maybe I should have been a Hobbit.
God, if you are listening, I think you may have put me in the wrong story.
A Hobbit trapped in a shoe store for Elves.
Story of my life.