I Have Everything and Nothing to Say

So obviously I got off track Friday and didn’t post again.  There are several posts sitting in my head right now, but Friday turned out to be a much different day than I had expected.

I ran across this book this week.  One of my children has sensory issues.  That didn’t really astound me because I was pretty sure that I had sensory issues, too.  You know, back in the 80s when it wasn’t okay to have sensory issues (especially in my part of the country, where it’s still looked down upon as a failure of character).  I haven’t looked into it a lot, because I thought that I could do a decent job of dealing with it since I went through it.  But eventually, I decided that I wanted to know more because I didn’t think I was doing as good of a job as I could.  So I ran across this book and read it on Thursday/Friday.

It was not the book I thought it would be.  (And no, I didn’t think that my kiddo had autism.  It was a tangent kind of situation.)  It’s a bit geeky, which I don’t mind, but overall it’s an interesting read.

The problem I came across while reading was a bit too much of an unpleasant feeling of familiarity of my own story.  And that’s why I’ve been silent the last few days.  I’d like to say that I’m ready to talk more, but I’m not.  I may be silent for a long time as I process this all.  I didn’t want to say this much anyway, because you always run across that one person who thinks that you’ve gone on WebMd and given yourself a diagnosis, but in my current state for this year of being honest about my journey, I decided to just say where I am.

While I have heard of autism, and had a couple of students with it, I never really saw it.  (Partially, because I tended to do really well with the special ed kids while teaching.  We naturally gravitated toward each other and had easy rapport.)  So no, up until last Friday, I had never actually sat down and looked at autism.  I did see a sign months ago about this “Aspie” group, and wondered what it was, but that was the extend of my knowledge.

So today, in the place where I am right this moment, I am confused.

I remember a teacher saying to me once, “I don’t know if we will ever know why with you.”  I didn’t get it back then, but now I have a better idea.

When you are a girl, and you have gone through years upon years of abuse and neglect, and you were bright, and you were super socially awkward, and you were “good” so people overlooked things, and not only did you disappear in a crowd, but you were skilled enough to disappear while standing alone…

There may never be a clear cut answer.  I am at peace with that.

But my brain is on stand still right now.  I’m sorry.  I will be back around, but I have things to sort through.

And by the way, I don’t tell my story to hurt or condemn people.  I don’t do it to make people look bad, to get back at somebody, or to hurt them.  One of the worst things about blogging is it is insanely easy for somebody to take my words out of context or take things personally.  I tell my story because nobody fought for me.  I say these words because there are still people out there who will tell me and others that we shouldn’t tell our story, or that we didn’t actually go through what we say we did.  I speak up because  know what it is to feel alone in the world.  I tell my story because there are other girls out there going through what I did, and there are girls out there who went through it before or at the same time as I did.

I made this picture today, and I love it.  Thanks for your time, and I’ll see everybody around eventually.  Could be tomorrow, could be much later.  Thanks for your understanding.  In the meantime, know that I am well and writing and making art and loving on my family.

Have a good week!

-aem

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