Apparently, people read books in the bathtub. I don’t get it. No matter how hard I try, I can’t manage to get the experience on television or the movies to work for me. And that’s not even counting the fact that when I get in the bathtub, the water (and/or bubbles) most definitely does not cover me in a seductive way. They must have tape on bubbles. They must. Chubster issues aside, the mechanics of reading a book in the tub just don’t jive for me.
First of all, I like the water hot. No, hotter. No, no. Like dragon’s breath hot. Wait, that’s a bit too hot. Yep, right there. The problem, dare I say, with liking hot baths, is that they never stay that way. Is there an insulated bathtub yet? People, I don’t need my coffee to be warm for 12 hours. Yak. I need my bath to be hot for 90 minutes. Get to work on that, please.
Next there’s the problem of privacy. There’s 6 people in my family, and 4 of them are children. Privacy ended the day the hospital nurse told me to open wide and push. (By the way, I’m so going to tell my delivery stories someday. I love delivery stories. The worse, the better. I don’t get people who don’t like birth stories, but maybe that’s the writer in me.) Someday I’ll have privacy again. 12 years. I can make it 12 years. I know what you’re thinking. Just shut and lock the door. The problem is that I can still hear them. Even if they stay quiet, then I worry about the silence. Motherhood. It makes complete sense.
Moving on. Here’s the big one, my friends. I am clumsy. If I take a book into the bath with me, then I will make soup at some point. Soggy book soup. No, I am not allowed near water with my electronics. Can you even imagine? I’d accidentally take a nude picture of myself in the bath, slip up and press the share button instead of delete, and I’d never sell a book again. Some things you can’t unsee.
I’m all for dreams, people. But sometimes I think we need some perspective. Most likely, I will never be gorgeously thin in a bath of water and perfectly placed bubbles that stays hot long enough for me to read all I want in the privacy of a bathroom where I can actually relax without dropping the book.
Wait, was there a point to this post? Maybe I’ll have to file it under TMI. Dream on, dreamers. Nobody can tell you where to read! Read in the bath! Read under an umbrella in the rain! And for the risky ones, read in the shower! Oh, I’m sure it’s possible. Somebody figure that one out.
Now for the awkward question. Am I alone in this?
Is there a support group for Readers Without Bathtubs?
Chime in with your best/worst places to read a book!