Becoming a mother ignited a fire in my heart. I loved those babies, and now I love these teen/pre teens. But investing so much heart and time and sweat and blood into other humans beings than myself came with a side effect I wasn’t ready for.
My 20s were full of a longing I hadn’t expected. I wanted desperately to have an older adult in my life to walk life with me. Somebody I could call for advice. Somebody to hang out with. Somebody to be there through tears and smiles. And then, later when I had kids, I really wanted and needed to have somebody who care for me. I was so busy throwing myself into family, and there was nobody there for me.
So there I was, babies and toddlers in my lap and heart. And a sadness I couldn’t get rid of. I loved my kids. I would do anything for them. So why didn’t anybody love me in the same way?
It was harsh, I won’t lie. But it turned into a mission. I had to heal the hurts in my life. Nobody was going to stand with me, but I could stand for myself. And now, as I’m older and well on the path, I can stand for other people.
So here are the things I’ve learned about healing from trauma:
- Face the Fire. It’s going to hurt and be hard and take time to work through. It’s going to be ugly and beautiful. But it’s not going to happen if you don’t get going. You can either stand on the other side of the line waiting for the pain to end or diminish, or you can walk through the fire and get it done.
- Some things in life we do alone. I know. If you’ve read my books, you know that I prize people working together. That’s how it’s supposed to work. People help people. People change people. Hearts care for other hearts. But. It’s life. People are busy. They have projects to do that aren’t so hard. And they have their own hurts. So if you have people to walk with, treasure them and walk with them when it’s their turn. If you don’t, try to find people. If you can’t, then chin up, friend. I did it. So can you.
- There’s no time line. Be prepared for people to get irritated with you if you don’t heal quickly and quietly. We all process things differently, and we have different personalities and trials in life. You will not heal properly if you let other people determine your timeline. You’ll know.
- There’s no one path. What works for one person may not work for another. So read books. Talk to other people who have dealt with something similar. Reach out for help. But in the end, it’s best that you do the tweaking in your healing process. Try something. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, keep looking.
- It hurts, and that okay. Pain isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Yes, it can teach us to keep our hands out of fire. But like a lot of other things, pain isn’t black and white. Sometimes you have to do painful things to move on. So if you are in the muck of it, and it’s painful and you are wondering if you are doing it wrong. You might need to change how you are doing things, but it might also simply be part of the process.
- Your past is part of who you are. There’s not one person on this earth who isn’t damaged in one way or another. Some people face more than others. Why, I don’t know. But you aren’t ever going to be the person who wasn’t hurt by something. The key is to use it to become stronger. Use it to help others.
- Tell your story. Get it out. Nothing has helped me more than simply writing down my story. A few things I put online since I blog, but a ton of other stuff I have in a notebook.
- Some people will doubt your story. This is just part of life. March on, healer. Wish them the best, and keep going. You never know, they might face their own fire in 10 years and will remember how you handled the doubters with grace and conviction.
- Have a little faith. Believing in something is beneficial in life. No preaching. Just respect. But try it out. Try thinking of your problems as an object you can place on a healing shelf. Pray, meditate, believe.
- Trust in yourself and your path. Do not sabotage your self with doubt. You can do it. You will come out on the other end, a stronger, better person for it all. Believe in yourself, and find ways to remember to believe yourself on the harder days.
- You are worthy of healing. Yes, you are. So don’t ever let anybody convince you otherwise.
- Build your future. I focus my life on my husband and kids. (Yes, I think of myself in that, too.) I want a healthy household. A place my kids always have the key to and can always, always come home to. I want my kids to know I always have their back. There’s no argument of different that can wedge between us. We are a family. A pack. A unit. A love. That’s how I build my future. Everybody will have their own path.
I don’t know if anybody needs to hear any of this, but I wanted to put it out there just in case. And maybe, a little, to remind myself of the process. Hope you are having a good week!